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Nov. 29th, 2016

Fawkes

(no subject)

Do you hurt at all?
Because I'm dying inside.

Oct. 26th, 2014

Fawkes

(no subject)

I have lost what it means to be happy.

Mar. 20th, 2014

Fawkes

(no subject)

Life is weird but also people can be so nice.

You ever have one of those days where everything goes as wrong as it can? Today was one of those days. And it all started last night.

I've been giving up the coffee lately but that either leads me to doze off on the road to work or succumb to sour instant coffee. So last night I decided to treat myself to some well brewed coffee. So as it goes, I grind up the beans and set the coffee timer to start dripping at 6:15. A good way to start off the morning, fresh coffee. As I head downstairs in the morning to grab a cup of coffee and head out the door, no coffee is made. And I think I might have messed it up, pushed the wrong buttons. Nope, never reset the time for daylight savings. So, throw together a cup of horrible instant and head out the door.

Fun times for me, my car doesn't start. Nope. Definitely a battery problem. Definitely.
Upon realizing that I am not going to make it to work on time, I panic and call up Triple A to come to my rescue. My sister gave me a comforting hug before she left for work which was nice. Come 20 minutes and the Triple A guy comes and helps me out, tightens up some bolts and tells me that my battery is a-okay. He was wonderfully nice about it too and didn't try to get me to buy a new battery. Incredibly helpful and cheery on a cold morning. I wanted to give him a big hug but not wanting to overstep my boundaries, I thanked his about fifty times and headed off the work. Late of course.

It's on the road that I realize I had the most opportune time to switch my instant coffee or the good coffee but never did. But another hiccup that I can't do anything about anymore.

And so my day proceeds in the normal fashion it does at work. And then I start feeling really bad. Stomach is hurting and I'm getting dizzy and crampy and, well, you know how it goes. And if you don't, well, you don't have to. In short, I know I'm in need of some assistance and I tell my coworker and she's off to my rescue gathering up my essentials. So sweet of her. But the cramps don't subdue and I'm working at about a quarter speed. Something I can do in five minutes is taking twenty. I feel awful. But thank goodness lunch time comes and I'm out the door heading to my car to take a nice warm nap. During all this, my phone is at about 2% battery life and I find it to be an opportune moment to use my car charger. And so I do, set my alarm for an hour, and lull off to sleep away the pain. It helps, minus the excessive sweating from the sunlight. But at this point, I'm perfectly okay with that.

The hour passes and back to work I go. And of course, the last half of my day goes and it's subpar but ok. It's bearable now.
And it's time to go home. Thank goodness. I couldn't be happier. Rushing out the door, throwing all my papers into respective folders, and...something's missing.

Where are my car keys?

I run around like a headless chicken and finally run back upstairs and end up running into some coworkers on the way up. I quickly explain my predicament and they tell me to check my cubicle and that they'll be right there waiting for me in case. I check my cubicle and it's nowhere to be seen, so I proceed to sulk back outside.

My coworker sees me and follows me to my car where she finds my lovely set of keys sitting in the ignition. You know, because I was charging my phone. Dumb.

I reluctantly pull out my Triple A card and dial up the same number from this morning. She offers to stay with me and lets me sit in her car. My heart is in 80 different places trying to wrap my mind around the kindness of people.

We talk in her car while the car guy is on is way over. And half an hour passes. I'm shaky and ecstatic and every sort of confused and discombobulated. But Triple A comes to my rescue once again and I tell her I'm good now and thank her about a hundred times in the process.

What is it about Triple A and hiring the nicest guys to work for them? This guy was exceptionally nice and humorous. Really made me feel better about the whole thing. I tell him about my car battery this morning and he finds it just as amusing as I do. And he unlocks my car for me and saves me and, there's my keys. In the ignition. With the battery on.

Thank goodness I didn't need a jump start but the battery was definitely weaker. But he tells me my long drive home will be good for the battery. And he sends me on my way after I thank him about two hundred times for everything. He waves goodbye to me while we're both driving out the parking lot and I'm just so relieved and exhausted.

I'm just glad I have tomorrow off for much needed rest. I don't know, I guess I don't really think about it much but wow, really kind hearted nice people really exist and I don't know. Really lifts your heart up when you need it. 

Jan. 6th, 2014

Fawkes

Welcome to the New Year

So the new year has come and of course, nothing has changed from one month to the next. But plenty has changed from my last blog post. I'm employed now so that new and fun and exciting. Making money, experiencing new things, falling into a daily schedule. Goodbye chaos.

Maybe I need some chaos in my life again.

I hate that my life is in constant need. Need for something, someone, something more. It's never enough is it. I think I have too many expectations for myself and for people. I expect people to at a certain way with me and I don't know, care.

I think I'm just in another slump of constant piles of other people's problems. Sometimes I feel like a beacon for shipwrecked relationships. I get tired of hearing other people's problems. They're always the same. The same complaints. The same need to change something about their "relationship" but the everlasting fear to do said actions. I don't know. Sometimes I've run out of responses.

I feel like an even shittier and whinier version of Holden Caulfield and his need to be the catcher in the rye.

I'm still muddled with the same complaints myself too I realize.

My mind feels so spacey and floaty today that I can't seem to stay grasped on any single thought or problem in my own mind. Just a constant swirl of frustrations and ideas and wants and needs and everything else in between. Like all these different parts of my mind are constantly yelling at each other and telling each other what their problems are in hopes of overshadowing each other. And thus I can't seem to hold onto a solid though in my head.

I want this. I want that. I need this. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm so tired of everything around me.

I want to feel again. To feel excited for something. Every single moment of my life is another countdown. Countdown to the weekend. Until Gemmy comes back home again. Until I can see someone again. I'm constantly living in the future waiting and waiting and waiting.

Always waiting...

I'm trying to grow up. I guess that was my New Year's resolution if anything. I don't believe in setting them so much as to wanting to be a better person as I do so on a month to month basis rather than a yearly interval of goals. I've been trying to make myself grow up. Have my mind mature. My wants and needs to mature. To accept the fact that I need to be an adult and stop trying to dream about all these childish things like free will. Hah. No.

But I need to accept the fact that I'm doing adult life things like making money and driving and whatever else it is that I'm slowly transitioning to and I'm not a kid in college anymore. Staying up till god knows when. Eating out and seeing friends every other hour. I need to start focusing on the things that matter to me more than anything. And that's a new perspective I should start trying to do for myself more and more. 

Oct. 15th, 2013

Fawkes

I hate change

As with the numerous times where I seek comfort in my livejournal, I am going through yet another juvenile crisis in my mind.

I think I'm going to change my hair; which doesn't sound like a big deal but the biggest change I've ever done is gotten bangs in Junior year of high school. I'm saying this now. I'm going browner and front bangs. Why? Because I need to.

I think this is less for the purposes that I need a change in my look and more of a testament towards the fact that I hate and fear change. I've always said that I would go front bangs for years now and the only thing stopping me is that (1) I'm scared it will suck and (2) my sister always needs to give me her two cents about what she thinks will look good on me. She also stopped me front getting side bangs for so long. But anyway, I think I just need to do it in order to accept that things are always changing and I need to accept that. And if dying and cutting my hair is the sad pathetic thing I need to do in order to accept that, then that's what I need to do.

I think all this teenage-ridden angst is stemming from the fact that I have more or less settled down in Riverside and I absolutely hate it. I hate the fact that it's so far, I can barely drive, and I feel like I have no home. I cried my eyes out the day I moved into my dorm at UCLA and now I'm in a state of never-ending lethargy now that I'm out. I think I just need something to push me out of my vast sea of emptiness and realize how much more life I have left to live before I can start succumbing to an empty vessel floating adrift nothingness.

But amidst this crappy depressing story, I have an interview in two days. It's for an office assistant job but at least it's a start. Hope all goes well.

Jul. 23rd, 2013

Fawkes

Patience and Permanence: Another DBSK post

If there's one thing I desire the most right now, it is permanence. People always find me strange when that is my answer to what I want in my life or where I want to live and such. It doesn't matter as long as I can feel permanent for a bit. Moving around from place to place constantly is driving me insane and I think it's bringing me to a breaking point in my life. A pathetic one at that. I've felt myself crumble under strong pressures or school and such, but never as something like this. The crumbling feels strange to me. Like, I have absolutely no control over my own life! I'm sort of going through the motions by turning my mind off and allowing someone else to drive me to a new destination. A child that is being passed from one babysitter to another. I despise change more than anything else. I despise having to change where I live and to live out of a duffle bag. I despised having to change living arrangements every year in college. I despise having to pack my life into bags and boxes only to throw them in another foreign place that feels far from home. I want to be able to call something 'my home' for once and feel comfortable sticking a poster on a wall where I know it will stay for some time.

This sounds really typical and cliche to say but one of the few constants in my life is DBSK. Yeah yeah I know. Ughhh a k-pop band that you obsess over. Great. But, hear me out now. I started listening to them my freshman year of high school and, I guess I never stopped. I mean, there were periods of time in my life when I sort of fell off listening to them for awhile but I always came back to them. To the comfort of their voices. And they've always been there. Despite...the split and whatnot. I don't know what it is. I like know that they are something that I can always count on to bring me back to comfort. DBSK and Darlene. A constant home for me.

I think that's one of the strange reasons why Darlene and I work so well together. I am already aware that sometimes, I can be a burden. Especially when I go through phases of hermiting and I don't talk to some of my favorite people for a period of time. It's not that I'm tired of you or anything. Sometimes I just need time to recoup. It happens as I fluctuate from being an introvert to an extrovert and it is one of the ways that I lose most of my friends. But with Darlene, even when I go through my introverted intervals, I can always come back to her and it's like nothing has changed between us. It's like coming back home.

With people and things always up and leaving and changing around me, I just want to yell, 'STOP!' so I can catch my breath. I know life is never clean and straightforward but, I just want to be able to have control over something in my life. Something to come home to. Permanence. I guess that's my word of the month. It's been one of those recurring words in my mind for awhile.

I can feel my body taking its revenge on me every time I have to pack up my duffle bag and relocate elsewhere again.

Reading what I wrote, I find myself ridiculing myself for being so attached to something like this. To find solace in something so, strange as a k-pop band. Using the word k-pop makes it sound even more so ridiculous. I guess I just don't know how to word what I'm trying to say. I guess half of the comfort is knowing that I've sort of followed alongside them in their journey.

That doesn't really help in making it sound better.

Permanence. Let's go back to that. Haha.

But anyway, the most important thing I'm trying to say is that, I aspire to be in a place where I can call my own. In my own realm where I know will always be there. Very mundane things like, this is where I will hang my clothes and place my toothbrush. This humble setting that I can feel safe and warm in.

I'm homesick for a place that doesn't exist yet.
Tags:

Jul. 14th, 2013

Fawkes

A ridiculous request

There are so many things that I wish for, that I want from people.
But it's so hard for me to do. I'm not used to asking for things from people; to ask for people to pay attention to me.
I want to be able to tell someone very specific details of my life just so they can listen and understand me. But I choose not to in fear that it will be too boring or not of interest. It's too much to ask for someone's undivided attention, to ask for them to feel engaged in me and my story and who I am. For I don't even know where to start so I would need my listener to ask me questions and really just understand me.

Even as I type, I can hear how ridiculous this request is. How embarrassing it is to even be thinking of such a request, but that is what I want and need. More than anything. Someone to understand me to my core and know how I feel and what is happening in my life. As much as some people know and understand me, they do not. And sometimes when I begin to open up to people, I feel this sense of boredom and disinterest and I feel to need to stop and crawl into a corner and pretend like this conversation had not even started in the first place.

I just want someone to find me interesting beyond myself. How selfish of me.

But I try so hard to understand people. I enjoy listening to life stories and predicaments because it helps me to not only understand you as a person, but it helps me to understand other people as well. I enjoy learning about your experiences and what made you who you are. My only request is that you can be interested in me as well.

I can't believe that this is something I am requesting or is just something that I want because it sounds so juvenile and selfish. To just want someone to be interested in me. I just feel so alone at times and I just want someone to notice.

Jul. 12th, 2013

Fawkes

separate

I can't figure out why it's so hard this time. Why it's so difficult to be so far away. This happens all the time now. So why am I not used to it? Rather, it's even hard this time. Like I can't handle it anymore. Perhaps I'm weakening.

Now I just feel lost, angry, and helpless. Moreover, pathetic how dependent I have become.

It makes me even more angry.

Angry that you're so composed and not crumbling into pieces. How selfish it is of me to wish that.
To hope that maybe you're losing composure as well and it's not just me that's falling apart.

Jun. 13th, 2013

Fawkes

5am Ramblings

I'm definitely having one of those nights where I seriously just need someone to talk to. But I'm not sure about what. I just need someone to stay up late with me and talk about nothing in particular but alas, no one is awake with me at this hour as no one tends to stay up this late anymore.

So to you, my trusty livejournal, I shall type away my life musings as I tend to do when my mind becomes muddled with thoughts I don't need.

For whatever reason, I feel so lonely right now. As if I'm living in this bubble where people occasionally come into it and spend time with me and then leave. Perhaps I'm just feeling clingy. But the moment people leave, I feel as if they will never come back. And it's strange to feel that way because I know people don't always leave forever, but it's what I'm feeling at this moment. It may be due to the lingering graduation and it's understandable. To be realistic with myself, people are going to be leaving from my life forever. I would like to think that people won't be gone forever but to think in that fashion would be naive. People are going to be gone from my life. Forever.

Why do I hold onto these feelings for so long? Grasping at these relationships that are not going to stay forever. As if the more time I force myself to spend with them, it will somehow make them stay longer. My last chance to convince them not to leave my bubble. But the effort is useless. That's not the way life works. I look at my oldest sister and my brother and they only keep a handful a friends. People that have stuck with them for whatever reason and some co-workers. They say that the friends you make in high school are not as important as the friends you make in college but I'm finding that harder to keep true. My closest friends are from high school and only a very select few from college are going to stay with me through the end.

I'm lucky though. Not many people can come out of college and say that they're in a stable relationship. It's pretty rare actually and here I am. Proving that you can find love when you're not even looking. All those dumb cliches are pretty true. Don't go looking for love. You never really know what you're looking for until you find it. You never know until you can feel it. It's different, weird, magical.

But that's college for you.

Jun. 8th, 2013

Fawkes

(no subject)

Sometimes my heart feels heavier than it should.

Sometimes I just wish I knew how to say the right words. To tell you the right words.

But I struggle just bringing myself to compose these words that I want to say to you.

These questions I long to ask.

I remain quiet. My heart grows heavier.

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