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Fawkes

Patience and Permanence: Another DBSK post

If there's one thing I desire the most right now, it is permanence. People always find me strange when that is my answer to what I want in my life or where I want to live and such. It doesn't matter as long as I can feel permanent for a bit. Moving around from place to place constantly is driving me insane and I think it's bringing me to a breaking point in my life. A pathetic one at that. I've felt myself crumble under strong pressures or school and such, but never as something like this. The crumbling feels strange to me. Like, I have absolutely no control over my own life! I'm sort of going through the motions by turning my mind off and allowing someone else to drive me to a new destination. A child that is being passed from one babysitter to another. I despise change more than anything else. I despise having to change where I live and to live out of a duffle bag. I despised having to change living arrangements every year in college. I despise having to pack my life into bags and boxes only to throw them in another foreign place that feels far from home. I want to be able to call something 'my home' for once and feel comfortable sticking a poster on a wall where I know it will stay for some time.

This sounds really typical and cliche to say but one of the few constants in my life is DBSK. Yeah yeah I know. Ughhh a k-pop band that you obsess over. Great. But, hear me out now. I started listening to them my freshman year of high school and, I guess I never stopped. I mean, there were periods of time in my life when I sort of fell off listening to them for awhile but I always came back to them. To the comfort of their voices. And they've always been there. Despite...the split and whatnot. I don't know what it is. I like know that they are something that I can always count on to bring me back to comfort. DBSK and Darlene. A constant home for me.

I think that's one of the strange reasons why Darlene and I work so well together. I am already aware that sometimes, I can be a burden. Especially when I go through phases of hermiting and I don't talk to some of my favorite people for a period of time. It's not that I'm tired of you or anything. Sometimes I just need time to recoup. It happens as I fluctuate from being an introvert to an extrovert and it is one of the ways that I lose most of my friends. But with Darlene, even when I go through my introverted intervals, I can always come back to her and it's like nothing has changed between us. It's like coming back home.

With people and things always up and leaving and changing around me, I just want to yell, 'STOP!' so I can catch my breath. I know life is never clean and straightforward but, I just want to be able to have control over something in my life. Something to come home to. Permanence. I guess that's my word of the month. It's been one of those recurring words in my mind for awhile.

I can feel my body taking its revenge on me every time I have to pack up my duffle bag and relocate elsewhere again.

Reading what I wrote, I find myself ridiculing myself for being so attached to something like this. To find solace in something so, strange as a k-pop band. Using the word k-pop makes it sound even more so ridiculous. I guess I just don't know how to word what I'm trying to say. I guess half of the comfort is knowing that I've sort of followed alongside them in their journey.

That doesn't really help in making it sound better.

Permanence. Let's go back to that. Haha.

But anyway, the most important thing I'm trying to say is that, I aspire to be in a place where I can call my own. In my own realm where I know will always be there. Very mundane things like, this is where I will hang my clothes and place my toothbrush. This humble setting that I can feel safe and warm in.

I'm homesick for a place that doesn't exist yet.
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