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Fawkes

Welcome to the New Year

So the new year has come and of course, nothing has changed from one month to the next. But plenty has changed from my last blog post. I'm employed now so that new and fun and exciting. Making money, experiencing new things, falling into a daily schedule. Goodbye chaos.

Maybe I need some chaos in my life again.

I hate that my life is in constant need. Need for something, someone, something more. It's never enough is it. I think I have too many expectations for myself and for people. I expect people to at a certain way with me and I don't know, care.

I think I'm just in another slump of constant piles of other people's problems. Sometimes I feel like a beacon for shipwrecked relationships. I get tired of hearing other people's problems. They're always the same. The same complaints. The same need to change something about their "relationship" but the everlasting fear to do said actions. I don't know. Sometimes I've run out of responses.

I feel like an even shittier and whinier version of Holden Caulfield and his need to be the catcher in the rye.

I'm still muddled with the same complaints myself too I realize.

My mind feels so spacey and floaty today that I can't seem to stay grasped on any single thought or problem in my own mind. Just a constant swirl of frustrations and ideas and wants and needs and everything else in between. Like all these different parts of my mind are constantly yelling at each other and telling each other what their problems are in hopes of overshadowing each other. And thus I can't seem to hold onto a solid though in my head.

I want this. I want that. I need this. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm so tired of everything around me.

I want to feel again. To feel excited for something. Every single moment of my life is another countdown. Countdown to the weekend. Until Gemmy comes back home again. Until I can see someone again. I'm constantly living in the future waiting and waiting and waiting.

Always waiting...

I'm trying to grow up. I guess that was my New Year's resolution if anything. I don't believe in setting them so much as to wanting to be a better person as I do so on a month to month basis rather than a yearly interval of goals. I've been trying to make myself grow up. Have my mind mature. My wants and needs to mature. To accept the fact that I need to be an adult and stop trying to dream about all these childish things like free will. Hah. No.

But I need to accept the fact that I'm doing adult life things like making money and driving and whatever else it is that I'm slowly transitioning to and I'm not a kid in college anymore. Staying up till god knows when. Eating out and seeing friends every other hour. I need to start focusing on the things that matter to me more than anything. And that's a new perspective I should start trying to do for myself more and more. 

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